Skip to content

Bye Gram…Love you.

June 24, 2010

A Few Moments Too Late

I saw my brother standing outside and
I knew that you had already gone.
I had stopped to get a drink
and wasted precious moments.

I knew the time was very short, but
I didn’t realize…

I was coming, I thought.
But you wouldn’t wait –
it was your time to go home
and my dalliance cost me
being with you at your final moment.

I’m sorry.

My brother was stationed at the entrance
to cut me off at the pass –
to prevent my hysterics – and I felt peeved.
What the fuck?, I thought.
I knew you were dying.
It’s not like it was going to be a shock.

I could see how tired you were.
I knew it was time.

So what did this mean? I couldn’t cry? I couldn’t be upset?

So we went in,
so I could say goodbye,
while you were still warm.

And there were no hysterics.
I was a good girl.

It was so very anticlimactic, like a birth.
All that waiting and just like that

it’s over.

Something huge has happened
but the immediate impact
is so flat.

That’s it? That’s all there is? Shouldn’t there be some
fanfare? Some sense that the world has stopped to
take notice, if only for a moment?

You looked peaceful. I kissed you goodbye
and smoothed your hair,
and told you I loved you,
the same as I had a few days before
when you were still alive but mostly unaware.

I said a Hail Mary over you, because it was the
only prayer that came to my mind.

I’m sorry Gram. I’m sorry I wasn’t more attentive
to the fact that time is continually sliding away.

I’m sorry I was afraid of your dying –

That I was too innocent in my attitude
toward the insidiousness of time,
instead capitulating to the press of my own mortality
as I helplessly watched you fade.

You are beyond all that now –
beyond reproach, beyond pain, beyond
our need for you. And I know it’s better…
for you.

But, I am sad. And I am sorry. And I am awed.

10 Comments leave one →
  1. Susan s. permalink
    June 24, 2010 11:53 am

    Prayers for you and Gram. May she rest in peace and rise in glory.

  2. Sherry permalink
    June 24, 2010 2:07 pm

    My deepest condolences to you and your family. What a lovely tribute you wrote. My prayers continue.

  3. JCF permalink
    June 24, 2010 8:31 pm

    Buffy: “Was it sudden?”

    Tara: “What?”

    Buffy: “Your mother’s death: was it sudden?”

    Tara: “No. . . . and Yes. It’s always sudden.”

    [Buffy The Vampire Slayer “The Body”]

    Your gram, Eileen, a couple of years ago, my mom. It’s always sudden.

  4. episcopalifem permalink*
    June 28, 2010 11:31 am

    Thanks All. Your thoughts are much appreciated.

    And JCF – is like that. So sudden, and so final.

  5. June 28, 2010 6:21 pm

    I’m sorry to hear of your gram’s passing. I miss my grammas, too. At least we’ll all be together again one day.

    You’re in my prayers.

    • episcopalifem permalink*
      July 19, 2010 10:44 am

      Thanks Mickey..I do try to keep that all together again thing in mind, but, as long as my love for her lives in my heart, she’s still there, and in a way, still here. Prayers are always appreciated.

  6. July 14, 2010 9:27 pm

    Prayers, and love, and hugs.

  7. July 16, 2010 9:14 am

    Goodness…I’m so very sorry.

    I hope you don’t mind my posting a link to my own tribute to my grandmother on my old blog? I think you’ll find some similarities there, and maybe some comfort?

    I’m sorry. I’m quite emotional this morning as it is, and I’m remembering now touching my own grandmother. I could use a hug from her right now.

    You can rest in the knowledge of seeing her again. Wishing you peace and love….

    • episcopalifem permalink*
      July 19, 2010 10:42 am

      Sorry for the delay in response to this lovely note, but I was on vacation.

      Thank you Kelly. That was beautiful and so helpful. I didn’t visit her nearly enough – it was denial on my part.

      It is so hard to watch someone decline – it makes you recognize the inevitability of your own decline and the decline of all those you love. My gram died with my mom singing to her and holding her hand, with her son-in-law and grandson seeing her out. Who could ask for more than to be surrounded by those you love?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: