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Concealed

April 28, 2010

Concealed

If you looked deep in side me
You’d see a wound
That is harsh
And ugly
And festering.

I pretty it up with fancies,
Carefully concealing it
From myself, and so, I think,
From you.

But if I was honest,
I’d surmise you can see it
Even if you aren’t looking so deeply.
Sitting right underneath the fancies,
Neither pretty nor concealed.

You’d smile, quickly skimming my eyes with your own,
Careful to make the briefest eye contact –
Keeping it light and vaguely normal,
Raising the barest hint of suspicion,
In order that you might maintain
The carefully crafted facade.

And to avoid embarrassing me,
By plainly revealing what we both know
To be True.

But it’s quite pointless really.
Because I know you know.
And you know I know.

But neither of us knows
why I bother to conceal it,
anyway, instead of
learning to heal it
and live with the scar.

But, really, we both know that too…
Because the greatest obstacle is,
And always has been,

me.

by Eileen Schilling, 4/9/10

eta: I feel the need to add a note here. My poetry often reflects my emotional state at any given moment. Keep in mind that I have a brain that is easily distracted and highly influenced by the emotionality of what is going on around me, whether it effects me personally or not. I’ve been reading some powerful things, and watching Six Feet Under (which details the broken nature of relationships, generally), and I wrote this a while ago on a day I was struggling with my own brokenness and contemplating the impact of unintended consequences and living with those things. Don’t read this to mean I’m drowning – more that I was drowning in that particular moment when this piece of writing came to me. It’s real – it reflects where I was in that moment, and because it feels true I want to share it, because it might resonate or mean something to someone else who may have felt this.

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. April 28, 2010 11:24 am

    Hm. {{{Eileen}}}

  2. Susan s. permalink
    April 28, 2010 12:17 pm

    I’m very glad to know that you don’t feel like this all the time. (((Eileen)))

  3. April 28, 2010 12:18 pm

    Thanks Eileen – and thanks for the postscript — poetry has its own way of surfacing things and reveals old and new.

  4. Paul in ABQ permalink
    April 28, 2010 4:44 pm

    A very moving poem, and one that speaks to common human experience as we vainly try to hide our wounds. Thank you for sharing it. A big old cyberhug!

  5. Episcogranny permalink
    April 28, 2010 8:42 pm

    Hugs, Eileen. What Susan S. said–this is stripped bare. Thanks for sharing.

  6. April 28, 2010 9:35 pm

    Thank you for this, and all that comes behind it.

  7. Mom permalink
    April 29, 2010 10:14 am

    I cried for your today… and many other days as well. Just know that you are loved for the beautiful and compasionate person that you are and always will be. You are loved by many and those who have wounded you will get their just rewards from the One that matters. I don’t believe that anything goes unnoticed. We may not see the justice, but it will surely come to those who have wounded us.

    • episcopalifem permalink*
      April 29, 2010 10:22 am

      Well crap mom, now I’m crying for both of us…

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