I am grieved
My friends are in pain. I can see everyone’s point of view, and everyone involved has a valid point at some level. Feelings have been hurt on all sides, communication has broken down and love has been lost.
I’m already feeling sad and depressed about a mountain of my own stupid and inane bull shit related to the harms and wrongs I’ve caused people whom I love, and this isn’t helping my mood one bit.
Expectations get us into so much trouble – yours, mine, theirs. Especially when we realize or think we realize, that we’ve been operating under false ones – disabused of the notion of playing on a level field, so to speak. Then the trouble really starts.
I’m reading Middlemarch, and here is what George Elliot has to say on the subject of our friends, our expectations, and the general nature of faults, which assuredly I see reflected back in on myself:
…and there were both virtues and faults capable of shrinking or expanding. The faults will not, I hope, be a reason for the withdrawal of your interest in him. Among our valued friends is there not some one or other who is a little too self-confident and disdainful, whose distinguished mind is a little spotted with commonness, who is a little pinched here and protuberant there with native prejudices, or whose better energies are liable to lapse down the wrong channel under the influence of transient solicitations?…The particular faults from which these delicate generalities are distilled have distinguishable physiognomies, diction, accent and grimaces, filling up parts in various dramas. Our vanities differ as our noses do, all conceit is not the same conceit but varies in correspondence with the minutiae of mental make in which one of us differs from the other.
Maybe this quote has nothing to do with anything. I don’t know.
All I know is it jumped out and stuck itself into my head and heart, hanging itself right next to the place where all this stuff is hurting me.
We are all often operating from such wounded places, and we strike out from the pain of our wounds, blinded to all else. Thought totally supersedes feeling yeilding pure adrenaline driven reaction.
We are human. We’ve all been in that place. Been rubbed just the wrong way, at just the right time, with truly painful results. Letting our expectations lead us, jumping to conclusions without first examining them under the light, more often without stopping to examine them at all.
We’ve all let our more base nature get the better of us in the heat of the moment.
And upon reflection, at least for me, it only gets uglier. The if only’s start. The wincing at the behavior and words reflected back at me; the regret, that I didn’t take a little more time and a little more care to figure out what might really be going on. Even when I’ve been right or justified in such reactions, I’ve found it of cold comfort in those moments. A niggardly little trophy at best. (I’m speaking more to my own transgressions here – I don’t claim to know what is in the heart or minds of my friends…)
I’m praying for healing among the hearts of my friends, and in turn, for healing in my own heart, for my own hurts, as I lick my own wounds, and contemplate the results of my own behaviors.