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The New Rules for 2009

December 16, 2008

Hat tip to my friend Laura, who emailed this to me.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn’t gift giving, it’s the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com ! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days — mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: ‘Lucky bastards.’

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you’re a dope. If you’re a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you’re a grown man, they’re pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we’re done.

New Rule: There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that’s square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a ‘decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low, and One NutraSweet,’ ooooh, you’re a huge asshole.

New Rule: I’m not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing ‘Enter,’ verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don’t want Cash back, and pressing ‘Enter’ again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you Spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to ‘beef with broccoli.’ The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’s one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What’s next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they’re already doing that. It’s called ‘The Howard Stern Show.’

New Rule: I don’t need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I’m extra hungry for M&Ms, I’ll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you’re going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what’s playing on the other screens. Let’s remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn’t good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can’t even tell If he’s supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don’t want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ’27 months.’ ‘He’s two’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God’s sake don’t pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, ‘Do you want fries with that?’

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. susankay permalink
    December 16, 2008 8:53 pm

    My big worry about tattoos is not the jobs lost — it’s what they will look like when wrinkles and sags set in. Yuck. (and what might they say — the ones who think they have a message)

  2. December 17, 2008 1:03 am

    I am howling. Thanks!

  3. December 17, 2008 2:07 am

    Loving these!

    No tats. Removed the metal, so my only piercing has long since healed over and no one could see it anyway. (No, not there, pervs.)

    Now, if I had the deltoids for tats I have a couple of designs in mind. But I don’t, so don’t hold your breath.

  4. December 17, 2008 10:20 am

    Ha! Love it.

    And I’ll admit I’ve been thinking the same thing for years about hot, blonde teachers hitting on teenaged boys. Lucky bastards… 😀

  5. episcopalifem permalink*
    December 17, 2008 12:17 pm

    My personal faves are the Starbucks asshole ande Target ones….Heeeee!

  6. December 19, 2008 9:06 pm

    I believe the phrase ,i>watching those athletes at the poker table should read watching those “athletes” at the porker table. . .

    I use that recipe for making flavoured water, but I use Irish whiskey instead of scotch.

  7. January 11, 2009 1:51 am

    You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.

  8. January 11, 2009 1:52 am

    You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.

    Uh… originally, I mean, like to start with, I had a comment to make or say or something about that. But, apparently I really am high.

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