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Subject: Finally… Liturgical Theology explained!

April 8, 2008

Hat tip to my real life friend, Nancy E., who occasionally dips her toes into the madness contained here in, otherwise known as this FLUFFY blog.

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The Doctrine of Feline Sedentation

How should Christians deal with ‘The cat sat on the mat’ if it appeared in
the Bible?

The LIBERAL THEOLOGIANS would point out that such a passage did not of
course mean that the cat sat literally on the mat. Also ‘cat’ and ‘mat’
had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text
should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the
period.

This would lead to an immediate backlash from the EVANGELICALS. They would
make it an essential condition of faith that a real, living cat, being a
domestic pet of the Felix Domesticus species, and having a whiskered head
and furry body, four legs and a tail, did physically place its whole body
on a floor covering, designed for that purpose, and which is on the floor,
but not of the floor. The expression ‘on the floor’, but ‘not of the
floor’ would be explained in a leaflet.

Meanwhile, the CATHOLICS would have developed the Festival of the
Sedentation of the Blessed Cat. This would teach that the cat was white
and majestically reclined on a mat of gold thread before its assumption to
the Great Cat Basket of Heaven. This is commemorated by the singing of the
Magnificat, lighting three candles, and ringing a bell five times. This
would cause a schism with the Orthodox Church which believes that
tradition requires Holy Cats Day (as it is colloquially known), to be
marked by six candles and ringing the bell four times. This would partly
be resolved by the Cuckoo Land Declaration, recognising the traditional
validity of each.

The CHARISMATICS would welcome the chance for the full experience of the
feline presence. This to be shown resting, on all four limbs, on the floor
and meowing in the feline spirit. It would, naturally, only be possible
following the singing, for some 30 minutes, of inspired songs such as ‘O
cat, cat, cat, come to our mat, mat, mat, catty, catty on matty, matty, we
truly believe we’re not really batty’; ‘Feline, we enthrone you, we
proclaim you as cat’ and ‘If you scratch us we know that you’re here’. The
house church elements might even agree a common doctrine, after pauses, in
a statement of may clauses.

The remnant PRESBYTERIANS would formulate a Catminster Confession, with an
uncertain priority of authority in relation to the true word of cat,
stating the ‘Chief end and purpose of man is to stroke cat and enjoy his
presence forever.’ In worship Psalm paraphrases would be sung; such as ‘I
joyed when to the mat of cat go up they said to me’ (Tune: Glasgow) and
‘Lift up your head O mighty cat, your claws of sharpness shield’ (Tune: St
Georges, Edinburgh). The rump of Presbyterians in the Reformed Cattery
(URC for brevity) would simply find the new doctrine irksome.

Eventually, in the CHURCH OF ENGLAND, the House of Bishops would issue a
statement on the Doctrine of Feline Sedentation. It would explain that,
traditionally, the text describes a domestic feline quadruped superjacent
to an unattached covering on a fundamental surface for determining its
salvific and eschatological significations, we follow the heuristic
analytical principles adopted in dealing with the Canine Fenestration
Question (How much is that doggie in the window?) and the Affirmative
Musaceous Paradox (Yes, we have no bananas). And so on for 210 pages. A
key recommendation would be that Mattins become Mattons. The General Synod
would then commend this report as helpful resource material for clergy to
explain to the man in the pew the difficult doctrine of ‘the cat sat on
the mat’.

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14 Comments leave one →
  1. April 8, 2008 4:29 pm

    It’s the drugs, right?

  2. April 8, 2008 4:50 pm

    Alas, johnieb, I doubt it’s drugs; it’s the church as we know it.
    Kyrie, eleison.

    Great work, Nancy E.!

  3. April 8, 2008 9:15 pm

    Oh how I needed this laugh.

  4. April 8, 2008 9:48 pm

    This is fucking hilarious! (Can I say that here?) The Presbyterians would also have quizzes for their children on the Catminster Cathechism (based on the Catminster Confession) and Presbyterian seminarians could win scholarships by indicating their knowledge of it (I know, because I got one …)

  5. episcopalifem permalink*
    April 8, 2008 9:53 pm

    fuck, my dear LJ, is a fully sanctioned word here at Fluffy blog central.

    It’s a wonderful expletive. I approve.

  6. April 9, 2008 4:14 am

    Hehehe..and here’s the Apostolic Gnostic scenario…

    The Holy Synod of the North American College of Gnostic Bishops would convene after a very nice night of food, drink and a free punk rock concert; wonder what the other Christians are being so literal about…and then agree to agree that the perceived division between the CAT and the MAT is an illusion to be slowly eroded through transmutation and self-knowledge…

  7. April 9, 2008 9:54 am

    Oh man! I love this. Hysterical. Thanks.

  8. April 9, 2008 2:55 pm

    I’m sure the Southern Baptists would insist that “the cat” is exclusively an American Shorthair, and that “the mat” have the word “Welcome” on it – in English dammit! (you know, the language Jesus and all the Apostles spoke when they wrote the King James version of the Bible)

  9. April 9, 2008 5:55 pm

    I laughed so hard that my Cat, who was beforehand sat on my lap (really, literally, in bodily form) went and placed his posterior on a rug on the laminate instead…

  10. April 9, 2008 6:58 pm

    Heheh– this is an old one from e-mail circulation, but I hadn’t read it in a while and I think it has changed a bit since I last saw it… Thanks!

  11. April 14, 2008 4:00 pm

    I love this… thanks for the smile 🙂

  12. susan s. permalink
    April 15, 2008 12:20 am

    I stole it from you and placed it in my Live Journal group.
    I also sent it to my son the priest. He will read it in the morning and they will hear him laugh all the way out in the street!

  13. Nadine permalink
    April 15, 2008 9:26 am

    Oh my goodness! That was the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time.

  14. sierracanon permalink
    January 5, 2012 4:18 am

    The Church of England wins again.

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