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Go to see Wormwood’s Doxy

July 27, 2007

She has a post called Enough is Enough up about marriage, the dissolution of marriage, the responsibility of the maintenance of marriage, what women want, and what men claim. And yes, I am one of those in the throes of marital ick that she alludes to – Doxy is one of my blog-buds.

It’s excellent because it is honest, and forthright (two things I’ve learned in my life to squish down).e It definitely makes me get my roar up. It has some cusses, so don’t go if you are sensitive – most of the lot who hang around her are not of that variety, though.

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21 Comments leave one →
  1. July 27, 2007 2:15 pm

    It was an excellent read. Though remind me to never piss her off, will ya? πŸ˜‰

  2. episcopalifem permalink*
    July 27, 2007 2:46 pm

    Yeah…she has a very sharp wit, and can lash a sharp tongue when necessary.

  3. July 27, 2007 3:09 pm

    I realize now I didn’t even get half of it on my first reading. Extraordinary stuff, both from the standpoint of power and expectations about relationships, their maintenance, and dissolution, and in terms of the basics of what we all want and need to be loved.

    On a lighter note, go seek what Clumber has done at http://clumber.wordpress.com/. It’s his best yet, IMO. Time for a good chuckle (or spit and sputter all over the keyboard).

  4. July 27, 2007 3:52 pm

    (duh) sorry Eileen, I forgot you got there (to clumber’s) first… too much weblife for me, I’m afraid… back to the swamp, coal mine, or wherever it is I should be right now.

  5. July 27, 2007 3:52 pm

    It has some cusses, so don’t go if you are sensitive – most of the lot who hang around her are not of that variety, though.

    Yeah, well…that’s what happens when you hang around with devils like Wormwood… πŸ˜‰

    Jarred—I get angry easily, but get over it pretty quickly too. I just have to remember not to disembowel people when I’m in the mad stage. 😦

    Thanks for your kind words, klady—your comment on my blog was amazing. Your story about your grandparents hurt my heart…

  6. July 27, 2007 3:55 pm

    Believe me Doxy, I understand how that is. I don’t get angry very often (the last time was probably around four years ago). But in those rare cases that I do, it’s not pretty.

  7. July 27, 2007 4:20 pm

    (((((Eileen and kids))))) Been to visit Doxy, Many of us have been where Doxy is. We are survivors. I have to listen to Helen Reddy’s “I am Woman” occasionally to remind myself to stand up for me, to take care of me, and to listen to others – not solve their problems.

    Thanks for being a blog buddy also.

  8. episcopalifem permalink*
    July 27, 2007 4:30 pm

    Thanks Sharecropper…I’m lucky to have all of you. It makes me feel more heard, and less alone.

    My husband doesn’t understand that, since I can’t see or feel or touch any of you, but, it’s true all the same.

  9. Elizabeth permalink
    July 27, 2007 4:49 pm

    I think, sometimes, we are more visible in cyberspace than any of us cares to admit.

    My sincere apologies if anything I said caused you a nonosecond’s worth of discomfort.

    I continue to absolutely drench you in prayer.

  10. July 27, 2007 4:50 pm

    I hope this isn’t too out of line, but there seems to be a lot of things your husband doesn’t understand. I hope that changes some day, for his sake as well as yours.

  11. episcopalifem permalink*
    July 27, 2007 4:58 pm

    ((((Elizabeth)))) – I really appreciate it. Your original words made me feel guilty and a bit god-less – because my marriage lacks the warmth I’d like it to, and if that is a reflection of my relationship with God, I’m in trouble. But, I think that was my own miasma getting wrapped up in your words. Fear not, and please know how much your prayers mean to me – all of you.

    Jarred – you’ve hit the nail on the head – nor does he really wish to understand. He wishes that I would just stop liking/being/doing those things he doesn’ t understand. And I don’t want that – I like what I like.

    But marriage is about compromise – and right now we are both kind of dug in. Yick.

  12. July 27, 2007 5:31 pm

    I saw that this morning, and I’m glad you saw it too.

    Love, strength, and prayers, all over you.

  13. July 28, 2007 9:29 pm

    Just wanted to pop in and let you know I’m still alive.

    We took some days off to move, and I’ve spent the last, four day schlepping stuff from old house to new…

    Hey, at least (as you can see) I gots access to the intertubes at the new place now (Verizon FiOS – woo hoo! 15 Mbps down/2 Mbps up)

    Oh, and to Jarred’s remark above. The Doxy is a real cutie (she had a pic up on her blog awhile back), but scary, too πŸ˜‰ I think not p*ssing her off is a good plan πŸ˜‰

  14. bill nichols permalink
    July 28, 2007 11:51 pm

    Per Eileen: “It makes me feel more heard, and less alone.

    “My husband doesn’t understand that, since I can’t see or feel or touch any of you, but, it’s true all the same.”

    This got way too long, & I apoloize for that. But if you’ve got the patience for it, there’ll be solace from it for you, or at least I hope. πŸ™‚

    Eileen, you don’t know me from Adam’s house-cat, but I lurk more on some blogs & post on others. I’ve seen your pain & frustration, & would like to say one thing (besides prayers & blessings) that I hope may be of _some_ comfort, if I could. PLEASE forgive me if I’m off-base here, but this is my guess for what little it may/may not be worth.

    Your self-doubt & angst is natural, but I have the feeling that you blame yourself too much for your earthly relationship & are by extension also giving it too much credence, at least when it comes to God. I’ve always half-joked that Episcopalians are like Catholics, except that one of the things we don’t have to automatically deal with is guilt. But I’ve also known a number of us, one female priest in particular (& no, I don’t think any of you know her) who suffered almost beyond description after the relationship she was in turned sour.

    She was in no way responsible for what happened to her & despite what she agonized over, in no way could have been expected to see it coming. She blamed herself wayyy too much, & began to doubt her ability & license to minister/ counsel when it came to relationships. I even feared for her very faith, but her faith & friends pulled her through, & she’s an even more empathetic priest now than she was before.

    In 25 years of marriage I’ve learned that we’re often more to blame for problems than we think, & also often less. Your marriage may be partly your fault, but I don’t think there’s excessive fault in your relationship with God. I do think, though, that you’re afraid there is, & that that doubt is keeping you from the strength you desperately need right now.

    We’re all sinners, no more, no less. Our relationship with God is always going to be substandard as long as we’re here. Oh, yeah, I know it’s easy for me to say, but I really do believe that *that* at least, isn’t something for you to agonize over — you’ve got enough of that to deal with already. God loves you, & so do we. And if your spouse doesn’t, it’s *his* responsibility, not yours. If you feel you don’t love *him*, well maybe you do/don’t, but regardless of that, WE love you & there’s not jack you can do about it, so just deal with it. πŸ˜‰

    P&B,

    Bill N.

  15. episcopalifem permalink*
    July 29, 2007 8:59 am

    David – Congrats on the movve, the new Verizon FiOs (you have all the cool toys, dammit!) Was wondering where you were…now I know!

    Bill N. – You are now my new hero! Your assessment is pretty much correct – I feel overly responsible, and I misconstrued Elizabeth’s words re: God and his role in my marriage.

    But, your words are very comforting to me. I need to own the part of my marriage that is mine, and let him own the parts that are his.

    God will give me the strength to deal with it, whatever way it all falls out.

  16. Bill Nichols permalink
    July 29, 2007 3:57 pm

    Per E: “…your words are very comforting to me. I need to own the part of my marriage that is mine, and let him own the parts that are his.

    “God will give me the strength to deal with it, whatever way it all falls out.”

    I’ve managed to keep sober for 16+ years using that one simple rule on how to keep serene. No, it’s not always easy, & when it’s failed I can honestly say it *was* due to my own failure to follow the principle. Try to keep the faith in that one area of your life, & painful though the road may be, I’m sure you’ll make it through. Thanks for *your* kind words; that means a lot, especially knowing the pain you’re in.

    Want to warn you again, though — we love you & there’s not spit you can do about it, so you might as well just accept that too. }};) I lit 2 candles especially for you this morning, & I do the POP next week, so you can count on more prayers ascending. And BTW, from what I’ve seen of you over the months while holed up in the dark corners of your blog, if hubby doesn’t “get” you, it’s his loss, his fault, & at least partly his responsibility, so there, nyah. πŸ™‚

    Bill

  17. July 29, 2007 4:32 pm

    Bill! You are The Man! What you said.

    Eileen, wanted to make it clear that my last comment wasn’t advice — realized it could have come across something like ‘I got out and it was the best thing for me, so you go do the same’. Which it ain’t; just my take on things. Whatever you choose, you’re in my prayers.

  18. Bill Nichols permalink
    July 29, 2007 9:46 pm

    You’re too kind, Kate. πŸ™‚ Difficulties metastatic (“Things are just too tough all the way around.”) for you, Eileen, & Little Mary right now. You’re in my thoughts, my prayers, & my wishes, all of you. My grandpappy (see below) would be very very proud of each of you, as am I.

    Shifting gears for just a sec, y’know, it’s funny — 40+ years ago I campaigned for Goldwater. The best thing I was called back then was an “extremist.” My political & social views haven’t changed all that much, yet now I’m lucky if I get called a “moderate.” I class myself as middle-of-the-road to slightly conservative, yet I seem to consistently be morally in sync with the poor souls who get tagged with the “liberal” label. I view Justice, Morality, & Ethics as neither liberal nor conservative — as my dear old grandpappy (rest his soul) would say, “Right is right & wrong isn’t. In the final analysis it’s just that simple.”

    To me those are good lines to live by. We could do VERY much worse, IMNSHO.

    Bill

  19. July 29, 2007 11:07 pm

    Right now, I am feeling very powerful over my ability to scare men like David and Jarred…

    Bill—your grandpappy was right on the money. And so are you.

  20. Bill Nichols permalink
    July 30, 2007 6:41 pm

    Again, y’all are way too kind to this poor sinner. But thank you anyway. πŸ™‚

    B

  21. July 31, 2007 11:16 am

    Sorry to take this a bit off-topic, but I noticed Kate posting above. After having read about the RevGalPals “banning” on MP’s site, I just wanted to say that I think the situation stinks on ice.

    But I’m a guy, so what the hell do I know ? πŸ˜‰

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